Here we go again!

I need to post. I need to make time to post. I need to find the right attitude to post a little about our lives and what we are doing. But today is not that day. Today (or tonight) is the night that I am positive that the excruciating pain that I am feeling in one (yes, I now have two) of my stomachs is an ULCER!!! Yes, really. And I can't beleive it either. I cannot re-live the past year. I cannot put my family through it. I haven't even completely recovered from this past few months. Still trying to get control of my house, my job. I cannot mentally or physically do anymore/ handle anymore. I cannot continue to be in pain daily, or take the amount of meds I take to function on a daily basis. Maybe I can ignore it and it will go away? Wait.... I tried that last time and look where that got me. The doctors are going to scope it next Thursday (ouch)! Thursday is the ONLY day this month Kelly can't take me, I think he might need to be there to actually believe it but I already put it off a week because mentally I can't handle hearing the words, not ever getting this tube out, continuing to be in pain, and being put back on a very controlled liquid diet, or better yet NPO or "nothing by mouth". Be grateful for the chance to go out to dinner with your husband, family, or friends. It's something I've missed and only started to do over the last couple of weeks. Looks like it is going to come to a quick end. I better not have done all this for nothing! Enough complaining I know, it could be worse, right? Not gonna lie, sometimes this feels like "worse".
Here we go again.........

An Answer?!?! Maybe?

It's late and it's quiet in the house. It's midnight so the kids are sound asleep, Kelly is sound asleep. I am not usually able to stay up too late but tonight is different and I am making myself do something other then the panicing I have been doing so far tonight, so I am blogging. I am having my stomach scoped tomorrow in preperation for surgery, to be scheduled as soon as they can fit me in ,(and the doctor gets back from vacation). I am not a fan of being scoped. Usually you are asleep when they do it but the last two times I have had it done at UCDavis they have not got me completely asleep before starting, and it hurts. I am anxious that they wont find anything, or that what they do find cannot be fixed. I am anxious that after over 5 months (close to 6) I need an answer and a solution to fix the hell I have been going through. I am a tough girl. Over the last 2 years I have found strength I never knew I was capable of. I feel like I can handle almost anything. The last 5 months have brought my life to a halt. Just when I think that the pain I am in cannot get any worse I am proven wrong. When I think my body has had all it can take, something else happens or starts to fail. This all started as a little ulcer that I let go (I was trying to be a good mother first, like all mothers do). I had no idea that over a 6 month period of time I would carry a bag for all my nutrients, and over that period of time (5 months) I would eat, in total, the amount of food one person would eat in a week. I had no idea that my strong body would fail me and quit absorbing vital nutrients or that my organs would start showing signs of shutting down. I had no idea that my kids would react by not allowing me to be alone or panicing if I even "look" like I don't feel good. I had no idea that my husband would have to take over the house chores, as well as his normal chores, and even a few things a husband should not have to do. I had no idea that my dear friends would have to come and take care of me, and drive me to and from appointments. I like being independant and being able to handle it all. It is what I am good at, I am not good at this. I want to get my house cleaned, get my Christmas shopping done, and go back to doing the things I need to. I'm not gonna lie I also want to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night without having to untangle my "cord" that I am hooked to, not have to spend the 15 minutes before I get in the shower "preparing" my arm so my pic line does not get wet, go to a nice dinner with my husband and even order dessert. As I type this I am thinking that I need to be grateful I have a husband that works hard so we have the money to buy food I will one day be able to eat, have hot water so even though its a pain to shower its warm and clean, and live in a house I have things to untangle from my chord. That is what I am going to focus on tonight as I sit here worrying about tomorrow and what will be the next step in getting me better so I can get my life back.

Decision Time

Tomorrow is the day. I think that I have tried everything I can at this point to avoid surgery. It has been 4 full months on "the backpack" and I have just got sicker. Now along with the pain I am not absorbing what I need to survive. I don't want to let someone cut my belly open, but it sounds like I no longer get too much say in what I want. I am ready to feel better. I thought it was the worst it could get a few months ago. I was wrong. I am in excruciating pain, at times I am doubled over, in agony. I am not sleeping, or functioning. I consider myself to have an extremely high tolerance for pain so the fact the pain is bringing me to my knees is bad. We meet with my doctors tomorrow afternoon and I am extremely anxious. He has given my three options, all of which I hate! I have decided the option I want and at this point just hope they will move quickly. I know a couple of weeks ago he would have done it immediately. The doctor told me he feels like he is being inhumane to continue to watch me suffer through this.
Pray that the doctor will let me choose the decision, and that I will not get put in the hospital at my visit tomorrow (he keeps threatening me), and that I can get all my Christmas stuff done! It is stressing me out. I am NOT a last minute person so not having the shopping done or anything decorated is soooo stressful for me. I'm going to work on it over the next few days, I am sure it will get done, right :)

Have Joy

Every day like a lot of you I do a little "blog surfing", especially lately. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I spend a lot of my day sitting on the couch, with my laptop (I don't know how people actually live without one :), waiting for all of you to update your blogs. Luckily I read a few trusty blogs with updates daily. One of my favorites is "Have Joy" http:// http:// have-joy@blogspot.com!! I actually look forward to her daily updates and have even learned a thing or two. Right now she is doing a give away from California Carmel Company! Nothing says "Fall" like a caramel apple!
Sitting at my laptop reading blogs, eating chocolate and caramel!! I can't think of anything I love more!! Now if only I was eating....... but more on that later when I am in a more positive mood!

Update

I have decided this is the easiest way to update. We are not good at answering the phone or making/returning phone calls. I even been too lazy (or tired) to answer emails.
It's been a rough week. I lost my picc line last week (it broke) so I got a new one last Friday. Since (last) Saturday I have been in a lot of pain. My arm has swelled and throbbed, clear down to my finger tips. And I have been soooo tired! Not a little, "I need a nap" tired but a "I cannot keep my eyes open even though I just woke up", tired. I talked to the doc on Tuesday and she told me to take meds and I would be fine. Went to SF with Kellen's class on Wednesday and truly thought I was going to die by the time we got home.
Called the doctor Thursday morning and she finally decided she was concerned. She scheduled labs, a CT scan, and an ultrasound for right then. I left work, drove to UCDavis, did my labs, then to ultrasound. My ultrasound was PAINFUL and she briskly walked around the curtain (very private) to call my doc and tell her that I had a blood clot. I asked if I could go grab a drink and her comment was, "Hunny they are gonna send you home to get a toothbrush and come back. You can't go get a drink." That made me feel good, or not. After talking to the doctor for a bit she sent me to her office (it is hooked to the hospital). I was not happy to see she was an hour behind. Did you know if you have a blood clot you don't even have to wait two minutes, let alone an hour? We talked and she decided she was going to have them pull my new picc line with ultrasound to see what the blood clot does. Then insert a new picc line. Have I mentioned picc lines HURT! I am not a fan. They hurt when they do them and then a few days after..... The give you a shot or two of lidocane to numb the spot insert a metal wire from your elbow, past your shoulder, and into the major vein running to your heart (that is how I understand it). Then they insert a dilator, or a hurts like nothing you've ever felt, into your arm. Then they insert the picc. They claim that I have to skin of a elephant and have to use a scalpel to make a small incision to get it in, they run it up my arm, around my elbow, up my neck (until the flush it and realize it is in the wrong spot) then down my neck. After all that you wait for xray, then wait for someone to read it only to tell you it is in too far. They then remove the 6 rolls of tape they have put on your arm (maybe only 5 :) to pull it out and tape it up again, only to have it untaped and checked again in 24 hours.
After my picc we were sent back to the doctors office to have a "pow-wow". Again if you were just torchered they don't make you wait too long. We talked about the fact I am actually doing better then they expected and that I should still feel like crap (an understatement at this point) and that it might be time to take a look and run some tests to see what is going on. The doctor also decided that he might try to go in and cut out the spot but not until December. I have to get healthier and there has to be less swelling (it needs to be smaller so he can cut out a safe portion). I left miserable. In pain, frustrated, and I think getting sick.
We were home about 20 minutes and the doctor called (I think she missed me). She said she had just got my labs back and I have a dangerously low amount of iron (hmmmm maybe why I'm sooooo tired?!?!) My ulcer is bleeding (could have told you that) and my old picc bled a pretty good amount. So she called in a huge amount of iron and talked about doing infusions (I think that means in my picc line, not sure. It cannot go into my "backpack" because of the other stuff in it. I guess it won't absorb).
Anyways, that is where I am at. I went back to the hospital today for them to take a look at my picc line (thanks Ann for driving me)! I go again Monday. BOTH of my arms are sore. I have been instructed to ice one and put heat on the other. I am exhausted (hospital and soccer all I could do today). I for some reason have a horrible metallic taste in my mouth and flushing saline into my line makes it a million times worse (even the See's candy I snuck today tasted awful)! AND to top it off.... I am getting sick. I have the sorest throat, it is swollen and is making me even more miserable (I thought that wasn't possible, I was wrong.... again)!
The reality is it could be worse, I'm sure it could. Maybe if I spent less time complaining I would feel better. Maybe I should work on that! I really appreciate everyone for their prayers, love support, and all the help we've had! I can not do it by myself anymore, even though I am trying! We feel so blessed to have such fantastic family and friends!! I am taking some meds and going to bed. Hoping to make it to church for at least a little while tomorrow! Goodnight!

We MUST Need A Vacation?!?!?!?

A remote control car came driving at me the other day. It crashed into my feet and this is what I saw first:



It says, "Take the one under". So I lifted it up and and there was another note.



It says. "go on vacation you need it"

It was from Camden. So stinking cute! I am thinking we need to plan a vacation?!?!?

This is NOT what I meant when I taught my kids to share

I am having a rough day.......
Kellen left for Sly Park, which has been sooo much harder for me then I thought it would be! Because of my own health I am stuck NOT being able to go with him. It makes me mad, and sad. Really sad.
I woke up and thought I was just tired, I went from saying goodbye to Kellen straight to work. I got my stuff and sat down at my desk and my head just started spinning, and throbbing. I called my boss, said I was going home to get some medicine and then I would be back. I never made it back. I am sick. Mekenzie was sick last week, she shared. I don't have time to be sick, and sadly I don't even have the energy to be sick. Even carrying my backpack to and from the bathroom is too much right now. I think I got sick because I let my guard down and had a pity me day. Grrrrrrrrrrr. I am lucky to have Mekenzie and Camden here. Mekenzie took care of dinner and picking up after (she is a really good kid)! Camden gave me a hug when I had a meltdown a minute ago. I said, "I'm so sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me"!
He replied, "It's ok, you're just being a mom". Sooo cute, and so sweet! Made my night! And his since how could I tell him he could not sleep in my bed after that?
I am sure tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be, right?!?!?