An Answer?!?! Maybe?

It's late and it's quiet in the house. It's midnight so the kids are sound asleep, Kelly is sound asleep. I am not usually able to stay up too late but tonight is different and I am making myself do something other then the panicing I have been doing so far tonight, so I am blogging. I am having my stomach scoped tomorrow in preperation for surgery, to be scheduled as soon as they can fit me in ,(and the doctor gets back from vacation). I am not a fan of being scoped. Usually you are asleep when they do it but the last two times I have had it done at UCDavis they have not got me completely asleep before starting, and it hurts. I am anxious that they wont find anything, or that what they do find cannot be fixed. I am anxious that after over 5 months (close to 6) I need an answer and a solution to fix the hell I have been going through. I am a tough girl. Over the last 2 years I have found strength I never knew I was capable of. I feel like I can handle almost anything. The last 5 months have brought my life to a halt. Just when I think that the pain I am in cannot get any worse I am proven wrong. When I think my body has had all it can take, something else happens or starts to fail. This all started as a little ulcer that I let go (I was trying to be a good mother first, like all mothers do). I had no idea that over a 6 month period of time I would carry a bag for all my nutrients, and over that period of time (5 months) I would eat, in total, the amount of food one person would eat in a week. I had no idea that my strong body would fail me and quit absorbing vital nutrients or that my organs would start showing signs of shutting down. I had no idea that my kids would react by not allowing me to be alone or panicing if I even "look" like I don't feel good. I had no idea that my husband would have to take over the house chores, as well as his normal chores, and even a few things a husband should not have to do. I had no idea that my dear friends would have to come and take care of me, and drive me to and from appointments. I like being independant and being able to handle it all. It is what I am good at, I am not good at this. I want to get my house cleaned, get my Christmas shopping done, and go back to doing the things I need to. I'm not gonna lie I also want to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night without having to untangle my "cord" that I am hooked to, not have to spend the 15 minutes before I get in the shower "preparing" my arm so my pic line does not get wet, go to a nice dinner with my husband and even order dessert. As I type this I am thinking that I need to be grateful I have a husband that works hard so we have the money to buy food I will one day be able to eat, have hot water so even though its a pain to shower its warm and clean, and live in a house I have things to untangle from my chord. That is what I am going to focus on tonight as I sit here worrying about tomorrow and what will be the next step in getting me better so I can get my life back.

Decision Time

Tomorrow is the day. I think that I have tried everything I can at this point to avoid surgery. It has been 4 full months on "the backpack" and I have just got sicker. Now along with the pain I am not absorbing what I need to survive. I don't want to let someone cut my belly open, but it sounds like I no longer get too much say in what I want. I am ready to feel better. I thought it was the worst it could get a few months ago. I was wrong. I am in excruciating pain, at times I am doubled over, in agony. I am not sleeping, or functioning. I consider myself to have an extremely high tolerance for pain so the fact the pain is bringing me to my knees is bad. We meet with my doctors tomorrow afternoon and I am extremely anxious. He has given my three options, all of which I hate! I have decided the option I want and at this point just hope they will move quickly. I know a couple of weeks ago he would have done it immediately. The doctor told me he feels like he is being inhumane to continue to watch me suffer through this.
Pray that the doctor will let me choose the decision, and that I will not get put in the hospital at my visit tomorrow (he keeps threatening me), and that I can get all my Christmas stuff done! It is stressing me out. I am NOT a last minute person so not having the shopping done or anything decorated is soooo stressful for me. I'm going to work on it over the next few days, I am sure it will get done, right :)