An Answer?!?! Maybe?

It's late and it's quiet in the house. It's midnight so the kids are sound asleep, Kelly is sound asleep. I am not usually able to stay up too late but tonight is different and I am making myself do something other then the panicing I have been doing so far tonight, so I am blogging. I am having my stomach scoped tomorrow in preperation for surgery, to be scheduled as soon as they can fit me in ,(and the doctor gets back from vacation). I am not a fan of being scoped. Usually you are asleep when they do it but the last two times I have had it done at UCDavis they have not got me completely asleep before starting, and it hurts. I am anxious that they wont find anything, or that what they do find cannot be fixed. I am anxious that after over 5 months (close to 6) I need an answer and a solution to fix the hell I have been going through. I am a tough girl. Over the last 2 years I have found strength I never knew I was capable of. I feel like I can handle almost anything. The last 5 months have brought my life to a halt. Just when I think that the pain I am in cannot get any worse I am proven wrong. When I think my body has had all it can take, something else happens or starts to fail. This all started as a little ulcer that I let go (I was trying to be a good mother first, like all mothers do). I had no idea that over a 6 month period of time I would carry a bag for all my nutrients, and over that period of time (5 months) I would eat, in total, the amount of food one person would eat in a week. I had no idea that my strong body would fail me and quit absorbing vital nutrients or that my organs would start showing signs of shutting down. I had no idea that my kids would react by not allowing me to be alone or panicing if I even "look" like I don't feel good. I had no idea that my husband would have to take over the house chores, as well as his normal chores, and even a few things a husband should not have to do. I had no idea that my dear friends would have to come and take care of me, and drive me to and from appointments. I like being independant and being able to handle it all. It is what I am good at, I am not good at this. I want to get my house cleaned, get my Christmas shopping done, and go back to doing the things I need to. I'm not gonna lie I also want to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night without having to untangle my "cord" that I am hooked to, not have to spend the 15 minutes before I get in the shower "preparing" my arm so my pic line does not get wet, go to a nice dinner with my husband and even order dessert. As I type this I am thinking that I need to be grateful I have a husband that works hard so we have the money to buy food I will one day be able to eat, have hot water so even though its a pain to shower its warm and clean, and live in a house I have things to untangle from my chord. That is what I am going to focus on tonight as I sit here worrying about tomorrow and what will be the next step in getting me better so I can get my life back.